30 Days

if you turn out to be just like them, i’m done. there really is no such thing as a guy that’s not like every single other one.

I don’t have time to do the full post for the day, but I’m on the verge of breaking down and I need to put this somewhere and pretend someone will care. I HAVE to get time alone, like I cannot stand being around people for extended periods of time or else I shut down. So I have to find that solace, but within it I get so depressed drive myself insane with my thoughts. It’s what’s happening right now. I’m thinking too much and it’s absolutely killing me. That’s all.

Okay. So. I’m going out of town tomorrow and I’ll be back the 21, so I don’t know if I’ll have Internet. If not, I’ll just pick up where I left off on that day.

Side note: Zahammy absolutely makes my day, and I wish to be with him. K.

My bag is not very interesting. Considering I don’t carry around purses, I’ll just have to describe my bookbag. I keep my Chemistry book in there always, two small spiral notebooks, two large 3-subject spiral notebooks, a sketch pad, and occasionally my laptop in the main compartment. In the front pockets, I keep my calculator, any written notes I passed during class, pencils, pens, money, and makeup.

Daz purdy much it.

I have three other siblings, but I might as well have five. Allow me to explain.
William Delleney (Dubby). 18. Brother. We share both parents and look very very similar. Most people mistake us for twins. I swear he’s the next Einstein. He’s so smart. It’s infuriating sometimes, especially when our parents expect me to do as well as he does. -___- Anyways, I’m slowly but surely making him care about his wardrobe (yay) and he’s chosen the hipster route. Today he bought his first v-necks. I’m BEYOND proud. *tear* He has an intelligent and quirky sense of humor, but if you can understand it he’s hilarious. We like to watch The Big Bang Theory together. He’s a senior in high school and all my friends think he’s the hottest thing ever. Annoying. But he has a girlfriend, Lucy, and she’s so sweet. She’s like the male version of him. I approve. I will say this about him; as awkward and nerdy as Dubby can be sometimes, he sure does know how to treat a woman. He really does. I don’t know what I’ll do when he leaves next year. ):
Davis Warren. 26. Half-brother, we share the same mother. His dad’s name is John and they live in Mobile, AL. He’s so cool. He skydives ALL the time, every possibly second he can, and loves to snowboard (last year he weaned me from skiing and taught me how, we’re going out to Colorado this Saturday for that purpose). Don’t let that fool you though- he makes up for this supposed badassness by playing video games for like seven hours a day. I’m talking Dragon Age and World of Warcraft. What a boss. He graduated from the University of Alabama with a degree in real estate and owns a company with his dad. He’s kind of a player when it comes to women, but he’s currently found a girl (Amy) that he’s actually pretty serious about. They’ve dated before and he’s trying to get her back, therefore refraining from all other women in hopes of increasing his chances with her. I’m proud of him for behaving. :D Me and Davis are actually really tight. We’re closer than Dubby and I.
Ashley Elizabeth. 28. Half-sister, we share the same father. She’s Barbie come to life: tall, blonde, thin, tan, green eyes. She’s absolutely beautiful. I’m so jealous. She’s a science teacher for a high school a few towns away so I get to see her fairly often. She’s dating this guy named Wayne (not sure how serious they are). She’s got a wit that could catch anyone off guard and tells the best stories out of just about anyone else I know. The most bizarre things happen to her all the time. Pick out the strangest person in a crowd and I’m sure he has met and told his life story to Ashley before. She is intelligent far beyond what one would expect from someone who looks like a supermodel and her life goal is to be on Jeopardy.
Sophie Elizabeth. 4. Ashley’s daughter, she might as well be my little sister. She’s the most adorable little thing ever. Dora and Spongebob are her favorites. She has he mother’s eyes and her father’s (Ben’s) CUUUUURRRLLLY hair. It’s at her shoulders curly, it’s like an inch from her butt when we straighten it. She’s so smart. I want my daughter to be like her, seriously. But with better hair. ;D
Mary (Don’t know her middle name). 20. Ashley’s half-sister (they have the same mother). I don’t get to see her very much, except when I go to Donna’s (Ashley and Mary’s mom). She gorgeous like her sister and I want to kill them both for it. Honestly I don’t know her all that well. Unfortunate. But still. She’s part of the family so I thought if include her.

I bummed it today. Bad day to say what I was wearing. Buuuut anyways. I wore my favorite AE jeans, Sperrys, a long-sleeve black shirt I got from a youth retreat I went on, my Blythewood Lacrosse hoodie, and fuzzy purple socks. (: I can’t take a picture to show you right now, but I’ll upload one to this post tomorrow.

I just returned from a wild goose chase. My mom hosted her annual Christmas party today and once almost everyone had left, three of our horses got out and we went crazy looking for them. The search party consisted of: me, mom, brother, Cathy (don’t like her-friend of mom), Deirdre (friend of mom-like her), and Larry (neighbor kind enough to help). It was almost 11 when they got out and I was the one who found them at quarter til 12 about two miles down from our house. Craycrayyyy. But at least they’re all safe and no one got hurt. God is great. Amen.

I believe in God. I believe that He is our Lord and Savior, and that he sent His only son Jesus to save us all from our sin. I am a Christian Baptist. I believe in the existence of Heaven and of Hell, and I believe that all those who do not believe and accept Christ into their lives and their hearts with be doomed to spend eternity in Hell. I believe that God is magnificent and mysterious, and that He is the master of second chances, which is nice. I believe that you can never be too old to accept God and I believe that all sins are weighted equally, therefore no one is better than anyone else in the eyes of our Master. And He will forgive us all, if we ask for it and we repent. It’s a truly lovely thing. Yes I was raised in a Christian home, but I didn’t truly understand until I felt the presence of God for myself. That is why I continue to believe. I know people will disagree with me and that’s fine, I’ll pray for them all the same.

I believe in the right to a happy life. That whole existing versus living ordeal. I believe that you have a God-given right to be alive, and to lead a happy life. Maybe not all the time, everyone has those days, but I hope for everyone that at the end of the road the moments you laughed or smiled outnumbers the moments you cried. Some people, the ones who hate their lives and consequently hate themselves, think that there is nothing out there for them, there is nothing that could bring them happiness. I disagree. There is something out there for everyone to bring him/her joy. Notice how I didn’t say “someone.” More people than expected are perfectly content being alone. Respect. I am not one of those people. I’m actually quite terrified of being alone.

I believe in love. See Day 7.

I believe people can change, and I believe that things will get better.

Yeah those are the big ones.

A moment…I suppose this means I can talk about whatever I want.

I was going to use this moment to talk about how fed up I am with boys and how they have now come to an age where they need to start acting like men.

But then I thought, how depressing. How cliche. How obvious.

Instead, I wish to use this moment to give shoutouts to all the “weird couples,” all the ones not shown on Tumblr that make you go “awww I wish I were them they’re so cute but they kinda make me wanna puke because they’re so happy and I’m not” etc. So, here it goes. This one goes out to the awkwards, where:

-he’s shorter than her

-she weighs more than him

-one or both has a ton of acne

-all the gingers (poor things)

-her hair is shorter than his

or anybody else for that matter. If you’re happy, you’re happy. Screw the system.

AHHHHH I have been waiting for this one. <3

Name: Lee Alan Hoover. 

Age: 19.

Birthday: November 21.

Distance from me: 1368 miles. (22 hours and 21 minutes, driving)

So he’s my best friend, k. We met on July 9, 2008 on a European cruise. I was 13, he was 15. Honestly, I hated him when I met him. He’s that leader-of-the-pack type of guy, he was loud and obnoxious, and people just blindly followed him everywhere and were totally wrapped around his finger. To me, he was a prick. (He knows I thought this). A few days later, I went to go get food with the girl named Tara, she was one of his minions. He came with us. As much as I really didn’t want him there in the beginning, when it was just the three of us we talked about everything. The three of us had only known each other for four days, and we were spilling our life stories, our thoughts, our beliefs, everything. About an hour into it, Tara had to go back to her room. Lee and I stayed. Outside of a cafe on the Celebrity Summit cruise ship, sitting in lawn chairs around a circular glass table, I truly met him. We talked for 3 hours, losing track of time completely. We only went inside because the sun set. He walked me back to my room (or attempted to, he actually went to the wrong room, but I wasn’t paying attention to correct him) and ever since that day I have respected him more than any other man, save my father. We were pretty close for the rest of the days. I will never forget the hug he gave me as we said goodbye, nor will I forget walking away from him in the airport as he yelled “come to South Dakota and see me!”

We didn’t talk at all after the cruise ended (July 23, 2008) for a LONG time. I had been closer to this girl named Lexi (we’re still friends) and totally infatuated with Wes (also still friends) so Lee didn’t cross my mind much compared to these two. Things started getting really, really bad for me that year. Really bad. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. My had no real friends, they all stabbed me in the back. My grades were slipping, and my parents all but murdered me for that. It was hell to go home each day. They took everything away, everything, even church because I “had too much fun there.” It’s not like I had friends to call and talk about it with. And my teachers were on me all the time about grades, but it was a vicious cycle where nothing got better. I became suicidal. I cut, multiple times a day. I tried to kill myself 14 times. And one night, the day after I had stayed outside until 3 AM (of course my parents didn’t come look for me) and cried and prayed and bruised the majority of muscles in my legs by smashing stones into them, I called Lee. I don’t know why. This was in December, I hadn’t talked to him since July. He answered. It was just like that day outside the restaurant. We talked endlessly, we caught up on each others’ lives, and after a few hours he had to go do some tae kwan do thing, but he said something in a hurried voice before he hung up:

“I love you.”

This was the first support or care of any kind I had received from ANYONE since August. I cannot even describe how much those three words saved me.

Since then, we talked every single day for at least an hour until the end of the school year (he had been having a rough time too, we were helping each other through it).

Since then, we’ve been through so much. Together.

Since then, I’ve seen him on three different occasions: the first time was for 4 days, the second for 8, and the third for 7 (he came down and stayed at my house all three times, the third time I didn’t know about, it was a surprise for my birthday).

And since then, he has been more than a best friend. He has been everything to me, he has been my lifeline. 

He’s the greatest man I know. He hates it when I say that. I love him more than anything. I want to get a tattoo in honor of us that says “and in that moment, I swear we were infinite” in the shape of an infinity sign. Lulu is my nickname for him, Pey is his for me.

I’m 16 now, and he’s 19.

I’d do anything for him to be happy.

I have so many more pictures, but I suppose I’ll stop here.

So. I SLAMMED my head against the concrete yesterday (thanks, Kip), so I had some yummy meds and crashed last night at like 8:30, haha. I had to get up early this morning to take the ACT test, which I think went really well.

I felt kind of awkward though, because I finished the first english section with about 30 minutes left (you get 45 minutes and there are 70 questions). The rest of the sections went well. Especially writing. It was about health care. In the bag.

Afterwards I went over to Megh’s and like nothing happened, ha. We talked for a bit and then I slept in his bed while he pondered life on the futon. Super fun.

And then I went home, and I have been a bum ever since. I watched my kitties (only Zaazu and Sunga) play for about an hour straight.

I’m super depressed that I have to sleep on my stomach for the next few days (putting any pressure on the back of my head really hurts). Wahhh.

This is how I feel:

Note: I had just come in from the rain, so I look like a mess. Sorry.

BUT THEN. (dramatic music)

El amor came home, which I didn’t even know about (thanks, bro) and so I got to skype him for like 15ish minutes last night and I can honestly say he made up for this shitty week. I really could not stop smiling. Pretty sure he thinks I’m one of the weirdest people alive because I sit there and stare at him all the time, looking like the little derp that I am. But that made my day exponentially better. Thank God.

So now I’m all like:

Y’all today has been SO bad. Just bad.

Anyways, my definition of love is more expressed in actions than in words. People who love worry about pleasing the other. They want to know what’s on the others’ mind constantly-they are like magnets to each other. A look can say everything, and that look is one that no one else would ever be able to understand. People who love each other trust each other, and don’t start petty arguments over you-were-staring-at-him/her or other bullshit like that (that is directed at you idiots who say they love just because they’re co-dependent and might be in a relationship). When one hurts, the other hurts. When one thinks of the other they are thoughts of fondness and longing. Love is actually very easy if you just give in to it, and that’s what people don’t understand. They think that it is always so complicated when it’s not. Love is love. And no circumstance will ever change it (to the people who can’t do long distance). 

What I want to get out of love-

I want a man who will hug me all the time. Who isn’t afraid to hold my hand in public, or kiss me in front of his friends. Who SHOWS he cares, I couldn’t care less if he says it. Who asks me what I’m thinking. Who calls me beautiful, and actually believes that. Who makes me his first choice and doesn’t actually want someone else. Who doesn’t have to fill the empty spaces with words. Who will take pictures with me and tickle me even when I tell him to stop. Who isn’t obsessed with sex. Who is respected and liked by the people who know him. Who is kind.

Sometimes I think my expectations aren’t realistic. Other times I feel as though if I want to hope the world could be a better place, we all simply have to believe in true gentlemen and true ladies.

Someone like him, but not haha if that makes sense. Lol he hates this picture. He was laughing. <3